The Onion: Damon Werner: Surgeon General:: 'Smoking Fine As Long As You Do it When You Drink'

Source:The Onion- The Onion Republic's Surgeon General, Jack Ass.

Source:The Daily Press

“The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.”

From The Onion 

Also in the news: fire is less dangerous when you get burned. And heroin is better for you through needles. And a lot of Washington drivers actually drive better when they are drunk.

I think this is a very credible news report for anyone whose so high right now that they’re seeing smoke coming out of their ears from the marijuana that they’re smoking. I could easily see why someone like that would take this news report seriously.

Also, people in North Korea who haven’t eaten in a few days who are told by their Marxist government that North Korea is the wealthiest country in the world and exports food, would also believe this story as well.

Also in the news, Fidel Castro the former President of the Communist Republic of Cuba has come out in favor of free market capitalism. Saying in a lengthy speech that Karl Marx was a fraud who owned five different private corporations and didn’t bother to share any of his earnings with people who were poor. Fidel also said that he hopes to create new a new revolution in Cuba to create a libertarian society free of government and interference. Fidel also said: “That all remaining Communists would be deported to Florida. Fidel in a long speech said: “After fifty-years of Marxism, its time for Cuba to make a change. And see how the rest of the world lives.”

Also in what’s not going on in the world today, (and this time not from Fox News or MSNBC) Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum have announced that they running for president together as a gay couple in 2016. And are running to make same-sex marriage the law of the land. They’ve announced today that they both can no longer handle the guilt from lying to their opposite sex wives. As well as the guilt from bashing homosexuality in public while in private they’re sleeping with 2-3 men a night and trying on their wives clothing.

So a big day in what’s not going on in the world that you heard first here and not from Fox News or MSNBC. Tune in tomorrow, because we hope to have a story about Libertarian Ron Paul coming out in favor of democratic socialism and expanding the war on drugs to ban sugar and salt. As well as expanding the nanny state and requiring every American to exercise at least three hours a day, or pay a steep fine. As well as expanding the Patriot Act to prevent people from reading books that argue against big government in either our economic, or personal affairs.